Exploration can Create Conflict and Misunderstanding
Long long ago, there was a rookie explorer called Niunai. He was a little bit stupid. He hadn't explore for a time. There was a chance for him to explore which he could speed whatever how much money and people he wanted to use. But the problem is: if he find nothing, he would died. This is too strict to him but he really wanted to challenge cause he was a brave man and happy man.lots of money and people and then went. He landed, helped people and back.
He spent money buy lots of food. He loved pizza and alcohols. He started explore. He swam on the sea for 2 months, his food was gone and he had nothing to drink but sea water. The only thing he had is drowsy people and lots of money. He thought he could finally find a land and then had a good meal with alcohols. On the third day of no food to eat, he found the land and he smiled happily. His privates were OK, they went on that land.
When they landed, they met the native people there. Niunai was frightened that they didn't wear anything. They were handing the big wood spear and quickly rounded them. Niunai didn't sad and tried to use body language to show they are peaceful man. The natives understood and they took them to there house to live. Niunai started to help them to make and to wear clothes. When he finished one clothe, the food and drinks came to them. They took out their knifes and forks, the natives seemed thought about they would attack them. So they killed a private of Niunai. Niunai was crying. When the natives saw his cry, they stopped and sited down. Niunai stopped cry and started use knifes and forks to eat. The natives finally knew that "weapons" are the things used to eat. Niunai forgave them and helped them make clothes and use wood to make things to eat. They felt Niunai was a messenger from the sky. They allowed Niunai to travel around the land. Niunai found lots of good resources that he didn't have in his country. He made 2 of his privates to get some of the resources. When they stickied them off. The natives killed them. Niunai cried. After that, Niunai knew that the things they are stick was the worship of them. Niunai said sorry and they took the resources from another place. Only a little bit. For study. Niunai was not greedy. He was a friendly man loved pizza and alcohols.
After 2 months, Niunai with his privates got back. They took one of the natives. They would tell the queen about the exploration. They got back, and started teaching that native English. That guy was so clever and during the back to the homeland, He could say some basic English. When they back to the homeland. Niuni was really happy. Because of pizza and alcohols. That native traveled around and got back. The whole exploration was finished.
This is the story. Because of culture and the language, exploration could really make misunderstanding and conflicts. All above, we should try to make the exploration better. Better no misunderstanding and conflicts. Guess what, Niunai is me. They all called me Niunai. Ha ha.
Focus 3/4
回复删除Content 3/4
Organization 2.5/4
Thesis statement is unclear. Conclusion is a bit weak. Introduction contains some little mistakes near the end. Overall, I think it is a very cute story.
Usage 2.5/4
Read over your essay when you are finished blogging it. It is important you catch the little mistakes. Read it out loud to catch your grammar.
"he would die" -- no "he would died"
Style 2.5/4
Don't use "stupid" in a formal essay. Remember your audience.
I like the way you end your essay. It is very different, but you need to stay formal. "haha" is very colloquial! You need to remember your audience.
13.5/20 ---- 27/40
I am glad you finished it! Next time, finish it on time! :P